repression

June 17, 2010

sometimes i just feel happy. there’s comfort and a freeing feeling that occurs.
acknowledging all we repress is a good step when you can manage it.
i am feeling opened toward all the demons of human civilization and all our myths.
not always, of course there’s always the swing. but for now. these are my favorite songs and favorite stories. don’t run, i adore that which i dread.
our minds can be so welcome sometimes. it’s crazy how much of what makes me feel unhappy stems from identities that i’ve taken on – not on my own but that were pressed upon me by useless and disagreeable constructs.

i feel lucky that i’m so strong-willed and complacent unless something strikes me as true for me, as truth truth. how little strikes me as truth. it’s a great asset to be contrary as i am, i think.
day to day living isn’t as easy with this make up – but i think i’ve always lived somewhat near to a truth. i guess we all do, but i don’t know that most people i encounter have been either privileged/lucky to OR as stubborn about making their own decisions, based on an identity they were inspired and allowed to explore on their own terms.
i love my own terms. it’s funny, because most of my terms coincide with plenty of long-lasting ideas that i hope to play with when i go on my journey toward classical civilization in greece this august/september.

i am very glad to be alive, i like my senses and my brain, i just have to link up my body to it in a way that reconciles with my ideals. i spend so much time protecting myself physically that i’ve frozen and barricaded myself in, surrounded by warrior princesses and heroes because my standards mean something to me, and not just because they are symbols printed on fabric waving atop my castle, or bearing my identity when i approach a foreign town or enter a war. my standards are genuine for me.
so there are those walls, because what heroes are able to succumb to their identities in a world where they would appear so irrelevant? where are my soulful, grand-minded, focused and insane protectors?
on the other hand, aside from simple preference, i also have these instincts and chosen defenses built up to keep out the riff raff.
because i believe in myths and symbols, and i believe in my part in history and a universe, and because i’m alive. and i don’t want to misrepresent my gender or our race any more than it already has been. i kneel because i feel holy.

i’m just typing away now, but i suppose this was just to get out there that i feel happy tonight and hope i can lasso enough of the gifts i have long enough to give birth to some sort of work i can feel proud of.

conception again!? i finished my period yesterday – my womb is always there and it is the symbol of my desire to urge myself along to create.

thanks world!

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